Awmmmmm.

We are gathered here today to welcome this new Awm into the world....


He shall now become a member of this most honourable society of Awms.

He shalt carry on the Awm legacy proudly and with great.... Awm-ness.

And he shall pass this most honourable position down through the progeny of his peers...

And he shall never eat kiwifruit, for it is sacrilege.

Nor have an abnormal passion for iguanas, because he shalt know that penguins are da bomb.

And he shalt procreate with these penguins, yea, and he shalt create a superrace, known to all as the prenguins, and they shalt become the downfall of the iguana civilization, and shalt rule the earth. Meekly.

And then his prenguins, and they shalt become as one with the iguanas, so that the Earth may not be destroyed by their meek warfare.

Amen, and they shalt have glorious tea parties, and play croquet on the lawn, and yea, they shalt have spines.

And with their spines and at their tea parties, they shalt realize the most glorious of all items, that they might have: the toast points.

Yea, and they shalt feast, and yea, the good Lord shalt provide for them with infinite numbers of toast points, for He is good.

And the race of Awms that shalt from then on be known as the prenguins, and also as the Iguanguins, will also discover the joy and happiness that is provided by the Great Lord in the Sky, who's name shalt go unmentioned, other than to call Him, Larry.

Yea, and this shall be a sign unto them, and the great, Unnamed Larry, in His great goodness, shalt provide, and yea, He shalt show them, by a light in the sky, the home of the race's fosterchild, the sloth." 

And from this glimpse back into the future, yea, they shalt realize their true purpose on Earth, relating to their relatives, the sloth. And the Great Unnamed Larry shalt say unto them...

'Yea, go forth, my children, and do my bidding, and honor my name and thy uncle Joe, and make lasagna.' 

And they shalt make such wonderous lasagna, that it shalt call forth from the Great Place Up There, a great and glorious being, who shalt be known as thy bestie, Charlie. And they shalt be so impressed by Charlie, that they make him many-fold of lasagna.

Yea, and the good Lord Larry be praised, they shalt create such a wholesome and good lasagna that it shalt make the fur on their chests grow to such stuff as is only found in the most luxurious sloths, and they shalt create from it a magical cloak in in it envelop Charlie.

And Charlie shalt see what glorious creatures these be, and he shalt give them their own land, as to make such glorious hybrid babies as have ever been seen. And to their offspring they shalt feed much of thy lasagna. And Charlie shalt call this cloak, his cloak of Invisibility.


Yea, and these offspring shalt frolic in this land of Lasagna, and Charlie shalt benevolently offer them shreds of his old jackets, and on these they shalt kneel, pray and supplicate to Larry for more marinara sauce.






NB: Credit for this post goes in part to Emma, who ingeniously thought up half the tale. Many thanks!